Bum's The Word

Debra is hosting Fiction Friday today. Pay her a visit and find more links to great fiction, or leave your link to your own story.


Brighter days are back and it's time to lighten up my blog a bit. For today's Friday Fiction I've chosen a story well-suited to this time of year. The story is actually true, having taken place last December. Hope it makes you smile.



Bum’s the Word
by Sharlyn Guthrie

My quest for blue jeans in my husband’s desired size, style, and shade landed me in a mall thirty miles from home one crazy December afternoon. Christmas was approaching, and said blue jeans were on the “gotta find ‘em “ list. So, when a phone call from our local store confirmed that the distant store did, in fact, have them in stock, I was on my way.

Since the jeans were on hold, I made my purchase quickly. Then, I reasoned that I should shop for a few other items on my list. After all, this mall was larger than our local mall, and I might be spared another trip or some last minute headaches.

Soon I found myself in the jewelry department of a fine department store, selecting some earrings. The rack I was searching reached nearly to the floor, and of course the most compelling colors hung enticingly near the bottom of the display. So there I was, bent over at the waist, with my posterior sticking out into the aisle. I knew it wasn’t the most flattering or lady-like pose, but it couldn’t be helped. “Hmmm, shall I buy the red chandelier earrings, or the purple sparkly ones?”

Whap! The slap to my derriere brought me immediately erect. Incredulous, I turned to see who had been so rude. To my right there was no one in sight; to my left a saleslady was walking briskly away. She glanced backward, however, and her face wore a mischievous grin.

The saleslady’s grin lasted only an instant. She froze when she saw me, and we stood staring at each other with matched expressions, both seeming to say, “Huh?” Finally, short, exclamatory sentences came tumbling from her lips.

“Oh my goodness! You’re not Susan! I’m so sorry! I thought you were Susan! You look just like her -at least that side of you did! Oh no! I can’t believe it! I just spanked a customer!” Her face had lost its color and the grin I had glimpsed for a moment had vanished. Her associates gathered around, and were no doubt trying to remember protocol for such an incident. Since they couldn’t come up with any, they all just stood there, watching and waiting to see how it played out. The poor woman was distraught.

I couldn’t think of any protocol either, so I did what came naturally. I laughed. Soon her co-workers joined in, and finally Saleslady, herself, cracked a feeble smile.

“I’ll probably lose my job over this,” she lamented as I handed her the earrings I had chosen to buy. “That was such a stupid thing for me to do. You have no idea how sorry I am. Let me buy these for you,” she said, taking them from my hand.

“Look, it was a mistake, and a funny one at that. I have no intention of reporting you,” I told her, “and I won’t let you buy my earrings; but if it makes you feel better, maybe you can give me the sale price that’s supposed to start tomorrow.”

“Really? You’re not going to report me? I can’t believe it.”

“Consider yourself forgiven,” I said, “but don’t expect me to forget this. It’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever experienced. What a great story! Don’t worry, though. Mum’s the word. I’ll never reveal your identity.”

We continued our banter while Saleslady rang up the earrings at the sale price, and I could tell she was feeling less threatened. Then she handed me the receipt. “Oh Ma’am,” she said, leaning in close across the counter, “Spank you very much!”


“Those who conceal their sins do not prosper, but those who confess and renounce them find mercy.” Proverbs 28:13 (Today’s NIV)

A Gift of Friendship

The Lord has blessed me with many wonderful friends, one of whom I’m honoring here today. Josie’s birthday is this week, an event we have already celebrated along with another friend, Beth, and our three husbands -hence the pretty package bow in her hair. She probably regrets letting me snap her picture, but I’m glad she did. It reminds me what a gift she has been to me.

It’s hard to believe, but Josie and I met when we were around the ages our children are now. We got acquainted though our involvement in their activities. Somewhere, in the midst of baseball games, children’s birthday parties and overnights, a friendship was forged. We have shared many milestones and made a mountain of memories, many of them revolving around her specialty…shopping. We have laughed, cried, and prayed together too many times to count.

Have you been blessed with such a friend? If so, tell me how your friendship resembles or differs from the one I’ve described. I also challenge you to find a way to honor your friend, because friendship is truly a gift that should never be taken for granted.

Soon after I started writing, Josie jokingly asked when I was going to write about her. It was a challenge I couldn’t refuse. So here’s to my fabulous friend and the queen of shopping.

Shopping Expert, Fabulous Friend
Dedicated to Josie Andrew

Her husband is a softball star;
one son plays basketball.
Baseball is the others’ game;
her girl loves volleyball.
My friend is not an athlete
but she outlasts them all
in the venue of her choosing—
the local shopping mall.

A funny, smart, and perky gal,
she wears size six petite,
tracking sales and fashion trends,
cute sneakers on her feet.
She sifts through bargain tables
unwilling to retreat
‘til she proclaims her victory,
waving a sales receipt.

She’s thrifty and she’s practical,
savvy about textiles.
Scouring fashion magazines
she learns the latest styles.
She’s memorized store layouts,
arrangement of the aisles,
and routes to stores and outlet malls
within three hundred miles.

Her shopping is methodical,
not careless or slipshod.
Those who dare accompany her
observe amazed and awed.
Shoppers half her age give up,
exhausted and slack-jawed;
her stamina and strategy
they reverently applaud.

I’ve been under her tutelage
For twenty-something years—
shopped for nearly everything
from soup to black brassieres.
Managers know her by name,
and so do most cashiers.
I have seen her wit and prowess
reduce grown men to tears.

Don’t think her superficial,
her profundity I’ll plead;
kind-hearted, loving, faithful
and virtuous indeed.
She isn’t moved by money
or galvanized by greed.
She’d give the Ricci off her back
to help someone in need.

Sometimes we plan a shopping day,
sometimes a whole weekend,
I seek her sound advisement;
ask what she’d recommend.
On her candid opinions
I cheerfully depend.
No person knows me better than
my boutique loving friend.

The bonding that has taken place
as we’ve trekked sale to sale
could only have occurred on
the turf they call “retail.”
It underlies our zest and
attention to detail.
No doubt it’s aided by the fact
that we are both female.

Through happy times and difficult
we’ve watched our friendship bloom.
We’ve shared our deepest secrets,
and food we can’t consume.
We’ve swapped our kids and coupons
and tried on French perfume.
We’ve laughed so hard we had to run
to find the Ladies’ room.

Frugality describes my friend;
she’s also very smart.
She has refined her hobby
to something of an art.
Only things of quality
are placed into her cart.
I’m honored that she found a place
for me within her heart.

--by Sharlyn Guthrie